When I Grow Up

It's a phrase often repeated and rarely given much thought.  In my younger years I always viewed the phrase as an introduction to telling one's hypothetical preferred future occupation/career.

I was always a science kind of guy. Doing experiments with and on random things around my house.  The weren't all controlled and documented as we learn in Science fair, or college for you science majors, but they did give me insight into the workings of the physical world.  In fact, I can probably blame my curiosity for the natural world for difficulty believing in the existence of anything non-physical.  In my mind everything happens for a reason, and that reason is physics. Every action has a reaction. It's not a difficult concept, until you apply it to human life, or dare I say: human mental processes.

But that's not were I'm going with this. I do have problems with faith, and I don't know how, or if I will ever sort them out. I love Christ and his message, and I love god, if only I could believe he were real.

But that's not what I want to talk about today either, though it complicates the matter.  Today I'm talking about who, not what I want to be when I grow up. It's a fundamental change in perspective, far too abstract for the children who ponder the phrase, unfortunately.   Being the person you want you be is far more important than any job, occupation, or career.

SO, moving along... I've seen guys playing sports, leading in church, teaching, playing with kids, or just hanging out, and thoughts like " wow, i wish i was the comfortable/natural/good doing that."  Kind of shaped a super human idea of what I'd be if I could be anyone I wanted, with any combination of qualities. You don't need me to tell you how unrealistic something like that is, but it didn't stop me from wanting to be that person, or trying to be that person.

It wasn't entirely unproductive either. I can thank that drive for helping me open up, and loosen up.  At first is was just forcing myself to act like I knew I should act if I felt comfortable in the social situation. Yes it was awkward at first, but with time i actually did feel like I could fit in more naturally. All that faking helped get me to the point where I am today, socially. don't know if that made sense, but I'm moving on.

The real point here is that I'm tired of living by a standard that others set. I have always felt, at least for all of high school and beyond, that I'm trying to conform to what ever social group I'm around, like I have to fit in. Reality is that I don't. I don't have to fit in. I don't have to do what people expect, or what people want.

Now doing what people don't want you to, for no other reason than to do it, is a little absurd and in my opinion entirely wrong.  Every action a person makes should be a moral one. if an action does not support their morals, than they need not do it, in fact, they should not.

Why do I keep getting side-tracked? ok. When I grow up, I want to live my life according to my plan, how I want to live it. I don't want it to be dictated by the actions, or influence of others. i don't want it to bend under peer pressure or social phobias.

When i grow up I want to be dedicated to doing what I'm passionate about, and I want to be passionate about something. I want to be able to support myself, and not depend on others. I'd have myself be the rock/wall/shoulder that people lean on when they're down, but I don't want that wall ever to crumble or fall under the weight, and I especially don't want it to run. I want to be able to manage my affairs without disorder or distress. I want my life to be meaningful to someone, even if they never realize it.  I want to be an example of how one can live a good life, of how one can battle the worst of inner conflicts and thrive. I want to be productive.

I want to be productive.

It would also be nice if i wasn't so confused all the time, and didn't struggle with balancing opposing viewpoints in my own mind all the time. but I could settle with being productive for now.