Passion

Through middle school and high school, every time any talk of planning for the future, of choosing the right classes, came up, it always seemed that the topic of jobs versus careers did too.  Jobs, of course, are things people do for money, where as careers are field that people get jobs in. 

The analysis can be deeper than that though. Jobs can be in any field, doing any kind of work that one is qualified or able to do. Careers are usually fields people put effort into studying so that they may better get jobs that they want.  The whole point in having a career is being able to focus ones interests so that the person may better qualify for jobs.

But where to focus? Somewhere you're interested? possibly. Somewhere that's fun? maybe. Somewhere that's easy? could work.  Some combination of these? more likely.  It is foolish to suspect the everyone need the same thing from their career path. While it may be unlikely for people to need only something that fulfills any of those categories, I would suggest that most people need some combination.

I can't assume to be ably to apply this to everyone, but the combination I need is something I'm going to call passion.  For me to be passionate about something, I have to have and interest in it, but interest alone is not enough.  It needs to be fun in it's own way, and it must not be too difficult, because I'll get bored and frustrated otherwise. If I get bored or frustrated I know I'll not be able to follow through, at lest not without an amount of conviction that I find difficult to muster.

So, if passion is a must, then I must choose a field that I am passionate about.  I've told some people that I'd have majored in several things at the same time, if I could. Botany would certainly have been one, but so too would have been computer science. I think psychology, Spanish, and something creative like film or photography would have made the cut too.  Really, if I could I'd take Chinese, French, and Arabic in addition to my Spanish, just so I could talk to nearly anyone. Of course, that is highly unreasonable for me at the present.

There was a time last year I was torn between a career in Botany/microbiology and computer science. I suppose that the living side of that choice won out just in time to make it on my application.  I know I had a passion for science all my life, and plants were a large part of that especially up into high school.  My involvement with the American Chestnut Foundation is small evidence of that.  I was passionate about chestnuts. I was passionate about helping fix Earth's problems, especially correcting human blunders.  I think I am still passionate about helping people, fixing their mistakes, and paving the way for a better future, but the work along the way is tripping me up.

I'm currently taking some of the advanced plant biology courses that will help me "save the world" some day, and all of the material (at least the majority) is very interesting. The problem I suppose comes in part with the tediousnesses of the work. Memorizing the life cycles of a dozen different organism seems pointless giving the millions that exist. The electron transport chain I've seen before, but never in the depth we've now discussed, but why didn't I feel like learning it to that depth? Where is the passion to find out as much as I possibly could about every process; how and why it works? 

Maybe it's just lost in the flood of new information. Maybe it's lost in the confusion surrounding my relationship turmoil. It is true that academics didn't seem as important when it looked like one of my friends was having a breakdown, and our close mutual friend turned on me when I tried helping her.  I'm still getting back on my feel from that one.

In Young Life we had a discussion about how many of the leaders loose the passion to lead for periods... but that the important thing is to remember why you are doing it, and to keep pushing yourself to do what you need to.  Eventually the passion will come back.  I'm taking things out of context again, but I'm hoping that this will apply to my Career. I want to see that passion in biology again. The passion to learn.  For now I'm trying to stick it out, because the threat of failing out of school is too great.

I think I'll survive this battle. It's a hard one, but I'm not so weak as to fail. And when I do get the upper hand, I'll be that much better for having done it.  Prayers are always appreciated along the way; however.

When I Grow Up

It's a phrase often repeated and rarely given much thought.  In my younger years I always viewed the phrase as an introduction to telling one's hypothetical preferred future occupation/career.

I was always a science kind of guy. Doing experiments with and on random things around my house.  The weren't all controlled and documented as we learn in Science fair, or college for you science majors, but they did give me insight into the workings of the physical world.  In fact, I can probably blame my curiosity for the natural world for difficulty believing in the existence of anything non-physical.  In my mind everything happens for a reason, and that reason is physics. Every action has a reaction. It's not a difficult concept, until you apply it to human life, or dare I say: human mental processes.

But that's not were I'm going with this. I do have problems with faith, and I don't know how, or if I will ever sort them out. I love Christ and his message, and I love god, if only I could believe he were real.

But that's not what I want to talk about today either, though it complicates the matter.  Today I'm talking about who, not what I want to be when I grow up. It's a fundamental change in perspective, far too abstract for the children who ponder the phrase, unfortunately.   Being the person you want you be is far more important than any job, occupation, or career.

SO, moving along... I've seen guys playing sports, leading in church, teaching, playing with kids, or just hanging out, and thoughts like " wow, i wish i was the comfortable/natural/good doing that."  Kind of shaped a super human idea of what I'd be if I could be anyone I wanted, with any combination of qualities. You don't need me to tell you how unrealistic something like that is, but it didn't stop me from wanting to be that person, or trying to be that person.

It wasn't entirely unproductive either. I can thank that drive for helping me open up, and loosen up.  At first is was just forcing myself to act like I knew I should act if I felt comfortable in the social situation. Yes it was awkward at first, but with time i actually did feel like I could fit in more naturally. All that faking helped get me to the point where I am today, socially. don't know if that made sense, but I'm moving on.

The real point here is that I'm tired of living by a standard that others set. I have always felt, at least for all of high school and beyond, that I'm trying to conform to what ever social group I'm around, like I have to fit in. Reality is that I don't. I don't have to fit in. I don't have to do what people expect, or what people want.

Now doing what people don't want you to, for no other reason than to do it, is a little absurd and in my opinion entirely wrong.  Every action a person makes should be a moral one. if an action does not support their morals, than they need not do it, in fact, they should not.

Why do I keep getting side-tracked? ok. When I grow up, I want to live my life according to my plan, how I want to live it. I don't want it to be dictated by the actions, or influence of others. i don't want it to bend under peer pressure or social phobias.

When i grow up I want to be dedicated to doing what I'm passionate about, and I want to be passionate about something. I want to be able to support myself, and not depend on others. I'd have myself be the rock/wall/shoulder that people lean on when they're down, but I don't want that wall ever to crumble or fall under the weight, and I especially don't want it to run. I want to be able to manage my affairs without disorder or distress. I want my life to be meaningful to someone, even if they never realize it.  I want to be an example of how one can live a good life, of how one can battle the worst of inner conflicts and thrive. I want to be productive.

I want to be productive.

It would also be nice if i wasn't so confused all the time, and didn't struggle with balancing opposing viewpoints in my own mind all the time. but I could settle with being productive for now.

Life

I'm going to a Young Life even in about an hour, and have lots of homework to do. Logically, I should be doing the homework to relieve all the stress it's giving me, but no, I'm writing a post to my blog.

I could have done my homework yesterday too. In fact, I had almost a whole day to myself. What a wonderful opportunity to get caught up, or, dare I say, ahead.  In my defense, I did need to catch up on sleep from last week.   All this quarter I've been staying up past 2 and 3 AM every night (...or morning). Why? I'm not sure. Stupid stuff. Me procrastinating, having fun doing nothing much.

If I'd just sit down and do my homework I would be so stressed all the time, rushing to get essays and lab reports done the night before they're due.  I never wanted to live this way, and I certainly don't want to any more. I've had enough of just getting my, of pretending to be doing my work, of pretending to study. I can't afford to not be the best I can be anymore.

I've tried blaming things for distracting me, most recently my friends, but really the might have been enablers, but I get no more done when I'm away from them.  So, now, I'm finally coming around to the idea that what must change is entirely me, or in my head... My priorities, my work ethic, my motivation.

I know that my schooling is something I cannot afford to give up, so I think I must make it a priority above almost everything else, but as long as I keep it up to a certain (high) level, how much and when I work on it is flexible.  Young Life is important to me. I enjoy working with younger people, and I very much want to give back and help bring people up in a more caring way.  So, Young Life is high on my priorities list too. As with school, I don't have to give it 100%, but the more I give it the better, and if i give it too little, it just won't do.

Friends are harder to sort out. They are not as scheduled. In fact, the are flat out unpredictable, and they usually can't wait, so if one is to serve his friends, everything else my bend for them. But how to find the balance? Serve friends too much and everything else suffers, yet not serving friends lets them fall or drift away.

Life was so much simpler back in high school when I practically never saw friends away from school. I had hours of time all my myself, to do what ever I wanted. Yes, I still procrastinated, and stayed up to horrible hours doing my homework, But I got it done, and I didn't have friend to run around making sure the didn't fall, or picking up the pieces if the situation demanded. That's not to say I didn't do a little of that, I did. A held a few couple-hour phone calls that were very important to the well being of the person I was talking to, but those were few.

And yet, all that time I wanted to be friends with more people, I dreamed about being friends with the popular kids, about being in the "AP kids click", about being on sports teams.  I think that's a post for another time; however. I have to get ready for my Young Life thing now, and figure out if I can actually get this to post, since I haven't in so long.

Sorry to leave you with such uncompleted thoughts, but life demands that we do things on it's schedule, not the artificial ones in our heads or on paper.